IC XC

It’s been such a paradigm shift these past few months.  God has seriously wrecked my life in (relatively with respect to my life previously) serious ways.  Some times there seems to be know recovery because no matter how hard I try, my own fallen condition seeps into my very desires to be Christ like. The only thing I can really do is to continue to try and pray that the Lord would do to me as he sees fit.

I’ve mentioned in the past that I’ve had a serious jones in my soul about marriage since I was young. I know it sounds silly, but ever since I was a young I’ve had a strong desire to be married. I don’t know if it’s the thrill of romance, the idealistic notions of commitment, or some combination of other things. It’s odd because I don’t truly know anything about marriage. I don’t know what it’s like to share both emotional and physical intimacy with another human being on that level. And even now my perception of marriage is changing. Mark asked me a question that was begged of a book that he is reading with a small Christian group he is leading. He looked at me and said, “What if marriage is about making us more holy and not more happy?”

He perfectly expressed the question that begs my paradigm shift about human relations in a Christian world view. (I’m not making a denominational statement when I say) It reminded me of something I had learned in a sacramental church once. Marriage to many of the brothers is held in the same class of acts as the eucharist, baptism, confession, etc. That may or may not be a “correct” way to think about it. But regardless of our denominational differences, we are taught by scripture that marriage is something that is sacred and holy.  And, at least for me, I was never explicitly taught the implications of that notion. Perhaps is was a message I was (and perhaps still am) unable to hear. Or perhaps it just wasn’t appropriate for because I was (and definitely am) nowhere near a place where marriage will be apart of life.  But I’ve begun to wonder at how that influences that long held desire.Even in the midst such paradigm shifts I wonder how I can long for something I’ve never known such as marriage.  This leads then to further questions like, how can I long for someone I’ve never known, immediately a spouse, but ultimately God. There seems to be paradox in belief that was outlined by Vanauken, i.e. that it takes belief to have faith, but it takes faith to have belief. He ultimately received no certainty about this paradox but rather stated in a letter to C.S. Lewis, “I choose to believe in the Father and in the Son, and in the Holy Spirit” and thus began his conversion.

I can hardly say I’ve been a Christian save the last half hour, for my faith is something that needs constant renewal and my word, thought, and deed constant death.  And only the Lamb’s Book, should it keep a record of such a needless thing as time in its log, will truly be able to tell.  My faith isn’t something that protects me, rather it makes me bear and vulnerable. And it’s that vulnerability that gives me the strength (or lack of pride, I can’t tell which) to accept my shame and take another step towards the even greater paradox of the cross. Every hour is another grueling step. Perhaps, as C.S. Lewis analogized in The Great Divorce my solidity will come the nearer I draw towards that which is solid.  While that inspiring book describes a way of thinking about heaven it is equally apt to show what Christianity is like. In either case, Heaven or Christianity (if they are that different) comes at the cost of the substance and the I know not what.  So, without certainty of what lies ahead, but, even more frightful, certain of what lies behind I’ll step once more. Marriage, or should I say again “I know not what”, then, is some mystic act in which two people obtain a surer footing. So, even if I never am so blessed as to emulate Christ through the act of marriage I should still be thankful that I’ve even got feet.