IC XC

Filling out college app. essays has been rough these past few days. I remember filling out the essay for the presidential scholarship at UNM. Dr. Hromas helped me edit it . . . it still sucked only because Dr. Hromas was kind enough not to change my original wording too much and instead to make sure grammar etc. was clean. I remember turning that thing in think it was really really sucky. I also remember hoping my test scores and gpa would speak for me. Now, the situation is a little different. My gpa isn't as impeccable as it was in high school. It's still very good, better than most I suppose but not great. Not enough to fall back on should my impress-admissions boards members-sell-it-but-don't-sell-it essay writing skills consider "poor grammar" a price too high. While editing my downward spiraling essays Jim said, "One thing I notice is that your essays lack passion" and he's write. To my dismay, I find that I'm really not as passionate about me education as maybe I ought to be. I love academia but the things I've really had a jones in my soul about have been more selfish than not I suppose. For example, I'm a romantic of sorts. I'm not the write-her-a-poem-and-read-it-from-her-window-sill-and-talk-about-our-feelings sort like the kind of "sweet" guys in knew in high school. But I am rather fond of the idea of pursuing a woman, of consummating our romance, and then to continue pursuing her even when she's mine. I've glimpsed intimacy with another human being and hope to have it again one day. But school? I like . . . a lot . . . really, but romance seems of far greater value than school sometimes. My other quandary is simply this: I need to focus more on school. My 3.5 isn't raising any eyebrows down at the ivy league. I know God has called me to be an academic, which is wonderful because romance doesn't look so good on the signature line for the lease. (But even Jim and Josh could tell you that the M.D. J.D. Ma.Theo. and B.S. aren't necessary causes of a lucrative life style either). My parents will tell you that I've never really been concerned about money either. they used to tell me when I young that it was because I didn't pay for anything, but even after I moved out and payed for most everything I didn't worry too much. It's been easier for me to trust God for my food than for my spouse (though I suppose that's not a fair comparison seeing as seeking the kingdom of God adds one and the other's still a 50/50). So how does school fit into this? good question. I don't know really what to do about it except to pray and ingest the word. the honest truth of it is that I'm far more passionate about selfish things like whether or not God will let me get married, than I am about my majors. Alas, I suppose that it's another of the many portions of my soul that is out of sync with the others. Realizing the truth doesn't always seem like a good thing, Mr. Apologist because it means owning up to my own shortcomings . . . and I don't like that. The other side of this whole dilemma is that it allows me to look at life with a more adventuresome set of eyes. So i don't know where I'll be in eight months. who does? So, marriage? that one's a little harder to brush off, but by the end it should make a good short story at least. And at least most of the time (when I'm not being belligerent or myopic) I believe God is good. And it's the goodness of God that puts a rose tint on the garbage heap. Who knew blood stained glass so well? On a lighter side, I've found my favorite Mac/PC commercial evur! Sadly it's only released in england. Sometimes, I'm just in awe . . .</p>